Tag Archives: marriage

Marriage, divorce and remarriage

“And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery” (Mark 10:12).  If a woman herself divorces her husband, and marries another, she commits adultery.”

I suppose if you were a member of the Jesus Seminar, or at least cut from a similar cloth, this is one of the sayings of Jesus you would certainly eliminate from the gospels. Think about it.

First, from a legal point of view, it’s entirely counter-cultural. In Matthew’s account – generally speaking, the more heavily favored one among those who discuss this subject – the focus is entirely on a husband putting away his wife. That is natural. In most cultures, and ancient Judaism was no exception, men enjoy legal preeminence. However, in Mark’s record, Jesus indicates that the law works both ways (Mark 10:11-12). Surely, the real Jesus wouldn’t have said this.

Second, even if we could get over the counter-cultural element, from a moral point of view, there is no way Jesus would ever say such a thing. You mean to tell me that the loving, merciful Jesus would condemn someone who divorced their spouse and married someone else? God forbid it. (By the way, Jesus did offer one exception clause to allow for divorce, see Matthew 19:9).

Don’t get lost in the King James vernacular, folks. It’s actually quite helpful. The –eth suffix on committeth simply indicates the verb tense in the Greek, which is still preferable, in my opinion, to the modern rendering, “commits.” The Greek tense indicates something continual. The literal translation would be, “keeps on committing adultery.”

In this way, Jesus essentially defines adultery as both a specific sin, and categorizes the relationship that harbors it, as a sinful way of living. Since so many people practice this (by imagining more exceptions, or by simply ignoring the whole topic), it seems highly unlikely that the real Jesus would have said it. I mean seriously, think of how many people’s lives would be terribly uncomfortable if he did!

I read a written debate some years ago where a preacher argued that he couldn’t accept Jesus’ teaching on divorce and adultery because it didn’t give him enough opportunities to offer people grace in their chosen way of life. I guess that settles it. If the limits of Jesus’ grace don’t appeal to you, you know what to do: just pretend like he didn’t say what he said. Live however you want and make up a Jesus that approves of it.

Many more will be saved if we ignore or dismiss Jesus’ words, so let’s ignore them and claim that the real Jesus didn’t say them. We’ll call it a fabrication from a later editor of the gospels.

There. We just saved millions of people from eternal torment, and made Jesus much more appealing to the masses. See? Saving souls is easier than you think.

Rick Kelley

WENDELL AND BETTY WINKLER’S ADVICE ON MARRIAGE

Several years ago, I asked the Winklers to pass along advice for married couples on how to have a successful, happy marriage.  They were very kind to comply and I have the material, in brother Winkler’s easily distinguishable handwriting, in my files.  Their suggestions were broken into two categories, the first being positive things couples can do for their marriages and the latter being habits, actions and attitudes that hurt a marriage.  Here are the answers from a couple who seemed as happily married as any two people I have known (Wendell Winkler passed away in 2005).

Positive things:

1) Put your companion first.
2) Build the confidence of each other, never making the other feel inferior.
3) Maintain a beautiful togetherness [laugh, cry, plan vacations, and work together]. Walk through life together.  Do not ride off in opposite directions [in interests, finance, recreation, etc.].
4) Adjust to your companion’s interests [if he fishes, she learns to fish; if she loves to shop, he learns to shop].
5) Be united in your goals and aspirations [for your children, for your retirement].
6) Cooperate with each other [in disciplining your children, etc.].
7) Make your companion a partner in all things.
8) Be open, free and uninhibited in your communication.
9) Close each day on a positive note.
10) Practice 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Things To Avoid:

1) Excessive debt.
2) “Me” and “I” syndrome instead of “we.”
3) Suspicion and distrust.
4) Failure to understand what is involved in “headship” and “submission.”
5) Misarranged priorities.
6) Failure to be commendatory.
7) Failure to notice and apply the little things
8) Refusal to eliminate annoyances
9) Failure to keep romance in the marriage [never become too old to hold hands].

This material was written down by brother Winkler on February 14, 2004.

Neal Pollard

Communication in marriage

“Comfortable”

Jake drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem since he needed to let his wife know that he’d bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck–and telegrams cost a dollar a word. He thought for a while and said, “Go ahead and just make it this one word: comfortable.” “How’s that going to get your point across?” asked the clerk. “Don’t worry,” said Jake. “Sue’s not the greatest reader. She’ll say it real slow” (via THE FURROW, March 2010, p. 28).

How is your communication in marriage? Do you know your mate well enough to know how best to give and receive messages? Sometimes we get so comfortable that we begin to make assumptions about what our spouse knows and understands. How can we dwell together in knowledge without making the investment in one another, an investment that includes time, talking, and attention (cf. 1 Pet. 3:7)? Such biblical mandates as “love” (Eph. 5:25; Ti. 2:4) and “submission” (Eph. 5:22-24) cannot be properly obeyed without knowing one another and communicating.

We should be comfortable with each other, at ease and not on pins and needles in a marriage. How miserable that must be! Yet, when comfortable means presumption and assumption we may be in more trouble than a man with a bull and no way to get him home! Let’s become comfortable with communicating.

Neal Pollard

Romantic ideas

IT IS IMPORTANT for husband and wife to have fun together…

What do you do for “play time”?  Do you spend your recreational time together or doing your own thing?  There is nothing wrong with having some activities that you do separately; however, there is something wrong with doing nothing fun together.  You need to develop a list of activities that both of you would enjoy doing together.  Once this is completed, sit down (knee-to-knee) and go over the lists.  Then develop a final list of the things both of you have agreed to try together.

Date ideas:

1.  Put on some of your favorite music and work a jigsaw puzzle together.
2.  Rent a movie and pop popcorn.
3.  Take a walk hand-in-hand.
4.  Recreate your first date or when your proposed.
5.  Go to a local high school sporting event.

Romantic ideas:

1.  Pull out old love letters and read them to each other.
2.  Sit by the fire.
3.  Leave a chocolate kiss on his or her pillow.
4.  Kiss for a full minute.
5.  Give her a hug, and don’t let go.  (For more ideas, look for Debbie L. Cherry’s book, “Discovering the Treasure of Marriage”).

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  Luke 12:34

Mike Benson

Where has the romance gone?

REMEMBER WHEN YOU were dating and romance seemed to be everywhere…?

Whatever happened to that?  For most  couples romance takes a nose dive shortly after marriage.  The focus moves away from wining and dining to eating and sleeping.  We are confident that we have “caught” him or her and proven to him or her that we care.  Then we slack off.  How is our spouse to take that feeling of being treasured from dating into marriage if we don’t continue the behavior that made him or her feel that way?  And even if you weren’t a “Casanova” during dating, why not learn to be one now?  Treasuring your spouse includes being romantic.

Romance involves proving you think about your spouse when you are not together and showing it when you are together.  It involves taking time out of busy schedules to make each other feel loved, cared about, important, and special.  It means taking the ordinary (dinner or walk) and making it extraordinary (candlelit dinner or walk in the moonlight).  Through romantic gestures you tell your spouse that he or she is the one and only one for you and worth the extra effort.

Never forget the importance of dating your spouse.  This may seem elementary, but you might be surprised (or maybe not) how many couples don’t date anymore.  Or, if they do, it is only once or twice a year for special occasions.  If you want your relationship to thrive and your spouse to feel treasured, you must spend quality couple time together.  Debbie L. Cherry

“My lover is mine and I am his.”  Song of Solomon 2:16

–Mike Benson

Protecting Our Spouse

God’s plan for marriage will lead to a beautiful, fulfilling relationship. Scripture teaches us how to find happiness in our marriages (Genesis 2:18-25; Ephesians 5:22-25).

One-flesh marriages create a powerful bond that will withstand the challenges that arise. We will be glued and cemented together for all-time in joy (Genesis 2:24).

In a one-flesh marriage, we treat our spouse, as we would expect to be treated. We do all that we can to bring joy into their lives. They are a part of our very souls and we cherish and nourish them daily (Ephesians 5:29).

Sadly, many Christian couples live ostensibly as roommates. Their passion has cooled into a form of playing house. The years have robbed the union of the bonds it once rejoiced in. Their arms become lonely and their connection frays.

In 1 Corinthians 7:4-5, we see a very important aspect of marriage that may be framed only in selfish terms for many spouses. However, in a one-flesh bond, this passage is vitally important.

Living in a sex-saturated society, we must do all that we can to protect our spouse from temptation. Spouses know if their mate is susceptible to temptation in this area. They need to do what they can to help their spouse remain pure.

Their body now belongs to their spouse and it must be treated with the same love, respect and gentleness that Christ demands (Ephesians 5:25).

Paul writes:

“Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5).

“We are told in this passage that the husband and wife are actually robbing one another if there is not mutual pleasure in the sexual relationship.”/1

In fact, “physical sex in marriage serves to reinforce spiritual fidelity by inoculating the mind against temptation.”/2

We have a responsibility to our spouse in this area. It may require special planning to accomplish these goals with a family and a hectic lifestyle. However, we need to do this in order to maintain a healthy marriage.

Our bodies belong to our spouses. Accordingly, we must keep them free from lust, pornography and adultery. Sanctify them to our spouse and our love.

We need to take care of our bodies so they will remain presentable. Letting ourselves go physically is unfair to our lover.

We need to have a big picture attitude toward marriage. When we do, we will make time for one another and realize that minor disputes pale in comparison with a lifetime together.

We will jealously guard our intimacy and nurture it, becoming educated in ways to thrive.

There are two areas where we must protect our spouse and far too many are failing to do so. First, we must do our part to keep our spouse from temptation, as we have discussed.

Second, we must protect their reputation by speaking well of them in public and with our friends.

If we will do these things, build strong communicative bonds, we will find ourselves in a special place where the one-flesh bond can blossom.

Our children and those around us will see us modeling God’s plan for marriage and Christ will be praised (Ephesians 3:20-21).

–Richard Mansel @ www.forthright.net

____________
1/ Ed Wheat and Gaye Wheat, Intended for Pleasure (Fleming H. Revell: Grand Rapids, 1977), 30.

2/ Daniel R. Heimbach, True Sexual Morality (Crossway Books: Wheaton, 2004), 168.

Marriage is a commitment

SHE LOOKED HIM right in the eyes and said, “I want a divorce, the romance is gone out of our marriage…

The terms “romance” and “love” are so nebulous to the average person, the court dockets are loaded with divorce evil. Divorce is seldom considered in some Asian cultures. A young man in Hong Kong told some preachers that he did not see his bride until he met her at the altar. Their parents had contracted the marriage when they were children. When asked, what about “falling in love” and “romance” he said, “That is your problem in America. Americans look upon marriage as a romance–we look upon it as a commitment.”

Our generation has been fed a steady diet of romance. In the movies and on TV we are told that a happy marriage is predicated on falling in love. When couples wake up some morning and find marriage has commitments and responsibilities they are disgusted and disillusioned. They find out that marriage is made up of carrying out the garbage, changing diapers, trying to make house payments, and dealing with inlaws and outlaws.

Marriage is a commitment. Falling in love and romance are great if they are understood and practiced in the right context. Movies and TV are a mighty poor place to learn to about life-long marriage. Ward Hargland

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:25-33

–Mike Benson

Her 22nd marriage

I was very shocked to read about a Malaysian woman who is 107 year old and is married to a man who is 70 year younger than her.  I was even more shocked to read that this is her 22nd marriage!  In her previous marriages, some had died and some had divorced.  In this article she was expressing that she was afraid her current husband would leave her for a younger woman, but even if he did she had her eyes on a 50-year-old man.  If this was not already bad enough, her current husband expressed that they fell for each other because it was “God’s will” (CNN News).

What?  It was God’s will that this woman have 22 different husbands over the course of her life just so she eventually finds the one she is with now?  And God had this all planned out?  While many thoughts come to my mind in response to this, I will let God tell us what His will is.  1 Peter 4:1-3 says, “Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same purpose, because he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.  For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries.” Then we are all familiar with other scriptures such as Matthew 5:32, 19:9; Malachi 2:6, etc.  Obviously God’s will for this couple was for them to cease from such sins as they were committing. So, this couple was absolutely not following God’s will.  God did not approve of this marriage, and likely many of the others before it.

While having the attitude of “God’s will be done” is a good and valid one, this only works when people are actually trying to let God’s will work in their lives.  The goal of this article was not to focus on divorce, but about letting God’s will work in our lives.  Thankfully, God has revealed His will to us in the Bible.  God’s will is never that we live in sin.  No matter what we may think or feel is right, let’s make sure we have God’s approval within the Bible.  Let’s close with Colossians 1:9-12, “For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.”

Brett Petrillo

Gettin’ married’s like taking a bath in a tub of hot water. After awhile, it ain’t so hot

Dan Erickson reported in an online sermon that Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “I read where one wife plans to divorce her husband as soon as she can find a way to do so without making him happy.” In spite of the fact that the Bible says whoever finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22), millions of people find themselves under a mountain of marriage misery. Their experience mirrors what the late great Minnie Pearl once said about marriage — “Gettin’ married’s like taking a bath in a tub of hot water. After awhile, it ain’t so hot.” So it would seem for many. The fire has fizzled and the love didn’t last. These past fifty years have seen America become the most divorce-prone nation on earth. Many who said “I do” really didn’t, at least not “until death do us part.” More like, “until debt do us part.” Instead of “so long as we both shall live” the real truth for many is “until one of us is tired of it.” In spite of the fact that God is on record as saying He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), large numbers of people now view divorce as being morally neutral, a liberating and life-enhancing option to be exercised if/when the marriage magic disappears. Rock star Rod Stewart, himself twice divorced, verbalized the casual attitude toward marriage he and millions of others have acted out. He said, “I think marriage vows should be changed, because they’ve been in existence for 600 years, when people used to live until they were only 35. So they only had to be with each other for 12 years, then they would die anyway. But now, it’s a big commitment because you’re going to be with someone for 50 years. It’s impossible. The vows should be written like a dog’s license that has to be renewed every year.” (http://archivestcm.ie/irisheminer/2001/05/01/story1794.asp).

Stewart’s statement reminds us that millions have simply lost their way as regards marriage and God’s will for it. Men have by and large rejected what the Lord has to say about marriage and divorce. Many criticize the Bible’s teaching on this subject as hard and unfair. While I would never accuse Rod Stewart of being a Bible scholar, he is right about one thing – marriage is a big commitment. Three verses from 1 Corinthians 7 remind us just how big — “Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: a wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. . . .A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord” (verses 10-11, 39). The point in this article is not to deny that marriage is rough, tough work, sometimes more sour than it is sweet, more hurt than it is happiness, more give than it is receive. Anybody who says it isn’t has never been married. But none of that changes the fact that a marriage must be based on commitment, not convenience, if it is to last. A good marriage is not easy but neither is it impossible. What is required is a deep-seated commitment to the will of God and one’s mate.

Dan Gulley