For years Barna research has indicated that a lack of intergenerational relationships can be catastrophic to a young person’s faith, and strong intergenerational connections are a hallmark of flourishing churches. We younger Christians need the guidance you can offer us, and you more mature Christians need the fulfillment of carrying out God’s mission to others.
In some of my darkest, most painful moments in life, the struggles were only exacerbated by the fact that I could not turn to older Christians around me. Some were disinterested. Some were more interested in criticizing me behind my back than helping me. Sadly, I know I’m not alone in those experiences.
For years younger people (including younger Christians) have heard complaints about how people our age navigate our careers, how we raise our kids, how we spend our time and money. What if instead of condescension we needed to be shepherded and discipled? Sadly, for many, it’s too late to find out.
Of course, there are countless godly older Christians who make it a priority to build up those who are following in their footsteps, and for those people I could not be more thankful. But to those who have not pursued that kind of relationship, please do so. This is not another shot fired in the ongoing generational war, but rather a demonstration of the immense value you have. We need you.
We need people who will make time for us.
We need people who will correct us.
We need people who will lead us closer to Christ.
I know what you’re thinking – “There’s that Millennial narcissism again. ‘Pay attention to me, notice me, make time for me.’” Two considerations: first, everyone has the need to be noticed and made to feel important and worthwhile by others. That is not generational narcissism, it’s human nature.
Second, we don’t need attention for the sake of attention. We need attention because we don’t have a lot of wisdom. My toddler needs help with her food at most meals. This doesn’t make her selfish, this makes her normal. It would be crazy for us to look down on her for needing guidance and assistance, right? Neither is it selfish for younger Christians to need help from their more mature brothers and sisters. This is the cycle of discipleship (Matthew 28:18-20, 2 Timothy 2:2, Titus 2:4-5, etc.).
The time spent on relationship is so important because it’s what helps us accept the correction we need. “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” is an endlessly repeated phrase for a reason. When the time is not made to show love, we get the criticism but don’t feel the “constructive” part.
It’s way easier to talk about everything wrong with someone behind his or her back than it is to show them you love them and help them see the error of their ways as a friend and mentor rather than as a distant critic. Anybody can sit back and criticize the young mother who isn’t parenting her children well, or the twentysomething man who still needs to grow up a bit. It takes a Christlike person to view the struggling young one as someone who is there for you to help rather than to give you to feel a sense of superiority.
There are many, many things we don’t know. You’re well aware of that, because you’ve been down these roads, and we haven’t. As the saying goes, “Be the person you needed when you were younger.” Many of you have walked with Jesus for decades and have seen and learned much along the way. Pass that information on! Rather than holding perfect church attendance or a sparkling daily Bible reading record as a badge of honor, the older Christian’s “joy and crown” (Phil. 4:1) should be the younger Christians they have helped build up in the faith.
The hardest part is simply taking the first step. Make a call, invite someone out (or over) to lunch or coffee, offer to study the Bible with them. Be available, be truthful, be loving, be Christ-centered. Some might reject your attempts. Some might even bristle against the very thought of someone offering them guidance. That’s ok. Though there are plenty of people not interested in a relationship or having a mentor, I can guarantee you there are plenty more who are desperate for someone to provide some guidance.
There are young fathers who are facing the daunting task of leading their family in God’s paths who need from older men. There are young mothers who are exhausted, fretting over every parenting decision, and trying to keep their own walk with God going. There are couples who are still trying to figure out how to navigate this whole marriage thing. There are singles who are facing various temptations and the challenges of being alone. There are college students and recent graduates who are learning to balance their work and their Christian life. All of these are in need of brothers and sisters who will make time for them, pray with them, ask how they’re doing, and offer advice and correction when needed.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” you might say. It’s hard to be confident when it comes to inserting oneself in somebody else’s life. But take courage. Again, you know things we don’t. First, you’ll be surprised how much you know that you’ve taken for granted because you’ve known it for so long. That’s new information to those who have yet to learn it. Second, if God wants you to do it, and has given you the information (His word) and the tools (study, prayer) to do so, then you can do it.
There are few things in life I treasure more than the older Christians in my life and the chances we get to talk about life and Gospel. If you’ve been a Christian for decades and you don’t have that kind of relationship, please pursue one today. We love you, and we need you.