Do you know someone that has suffered from abuse? I do, in fact more than one. Have you ever been abused? If so, you understand the difficulties associated with just getting through each day.
I think the thing that has amazed me the most in working with these women is the amount of blame the person that is abused takes on herself. Though the man was the abuser, the woman somehow feels responsible.
Approximately one out of five women and one out of seventy-one men in the United States have been raped at some time. Twenty-seven percent of women and sixteen percent of men have been assaulted. Forty-two percent of women and thirty-three percent of men never reported it.*
Abuse is not something new. There are several instances of abuse recorded in scripture. We can read of mistreatment of prisoners, tauntings of women on other women because of jealousy, mockings, men put in prison for the cause of Christ, and many other things. There are also examples of men abusing women. There is indication that Nabal was an abusive man, at least verbally, in I Samuel 25. The men of Gibean abused a young concubine in Judges 19:25; 20:5. Isaiah prophesied of the wives of captives being ravished in Isaiah 13:16. There is the wickedness in Sodom and Gomorrah and Lot’s daughters abusing their father in Genesis 19.
There is one other tragic situation found in II Samuel 13:11-16, and this is the subject of our study this week. This is the story of Tamar and her abuse by her half brother.
King David had a son named Absalom. Remember, he is the one with long hair. His mother was Maacah (II Samuel 3:3). David also had another son named Amnon whose mother was Ahinoam.
Absalom had a sister named Tamar. Amnon was Tamar’s half-brother. They had the same father, King David, but not the same mother.
Tamar was a beautiful woman, and she was a virgin. Scripture says that Amnon loved her. He became obsessed with her to the point that he looked sick for his longing for her.
David’s nephew, Jonadab, helped Amnon devise a plan to entice Tamar. Jonadab told Amnon to lie on his bed and pretend to be sick. When David came in to check on him, he was to tell the king that he wanted Tamar to bring him food and prepare it where he could watch her.
So David sent Tamar in to care for her brother, and she made cakes in front of him. Amnon refused to eat. Then he sent everyone out of his bedroom, and he had Tamar bring the food to him.
He boldly told her he wanted to sleep with her, even calling her “my sister.” Tamar refused, begging him not to force her. She tried to reason with him. She even told him to ask his father to give her to him; but he would not listen. Instead he forced her.
Once Amnon had committed this sin, scripture said that he “hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, ‘Get up! Go!’” (II Samuel 13:15). Poor Tamar was left to deal with this emotional, physical, and sexual violation of her body.
Tamar left, tore the sleeves of the robe she was wearing that indicated she was a virgin. She put ashes on her head and cried aloud, painfully grieved because of something over which she had no control.
Tamar went to Absalom’s home and lived there in isolation. The king heard about the incident and was angry, but he didn’t do anything. Absalom did not speak of it to Amnon. Everyone seemed to ignore the fact that a woman had been abused. Two years later, Absalom devised a plan to have Amnon killed.
Your circumstances may be similar. It may be ongoing beatings or verbal abuse. You may have been violated like Tamar. Has your abuser been confronted? Have you been threatened? Whatever your circumstances, you may feel there is no hope.
Having worked with young women in this same situation, I have learned some things that I hope might be helpful to you.
First, It is not your fault. Say that over and over again until you understand that it is not your fault. No one has the right to abuse you in any way no matter what the circumstances. You have the right to say “no” to physical advances of any kind from anyone.
Second, seek help. Many people assume that if you have been abused you will tell. That is not always the case. Many women are afraid, either because they have been threatened or because they think they will be blamed. You need to talk to someone immediately. Talk to a friend, someone you can trust. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
Third, get counseling. I can’t emphasize enough how important this is. It may just save your life. You need the support, the reassurance, direction, and the knowledge that someone understands what has happened to you.
Many problems can result from your having been abused. When there seems to be no hope: drug use, promiscuity, psychological disorders, and even suicide can plague you. Don’t continue to be a victim.
Fourth, don’t lose your identity. You are a person, a creation of God. Become a survivor not a victim. Remember “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:35, 37).
Lastly, if someone comes to you and shares that they have been abused, do not blame them. Do not push them to talk. Let it come in their time. Help them find professional help. Do everything in your power to protect them.
God hurts for the people who are hurting (Isaiah 63:9). He is our way out of any situation, “…for God is love”(I John 4:8).
Sandra Oliver
*Statistics by Tabitha Barker.
(Next week, “When I Struggle With Health Issues”).